i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
