call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
