Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
