two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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