I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
