can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
