This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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