when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
