I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
