Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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