so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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