At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
