last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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