Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
