8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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