I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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