Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
should my penis look like a turkey
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
