As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
