I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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