College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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