so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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