you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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