I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
