i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
