i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You were trust falling into bushes
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
