Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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