Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
