Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
