I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't make out with my wife yet
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My ATM looks so different sober.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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