oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
