I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
