I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
