You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
