This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
