omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
