Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
