She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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