I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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