Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
jump out the window naked night went bad
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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