I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
