I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
