oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
