Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
