at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
