Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
