maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
