I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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