I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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