Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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