I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
