Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
