Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
